What follows is the story of a pop singer
Who had grown tired of having his gender questioned by the masses
And decided he must embark on a quest to find his manhood,
which might or might not truly exist,
And end the debate once and for all.
Yo dog, you are so very pimping, Usher,
And your rhymes are so phat.
Help us as we write this story of epic proportions
About Justin Bieber and his missing,
and perhaps nonexistent, manhood.
Justin Bieber indeed needed to end the great debate concerning his gender.
ReplyDeleteIf he was being honest with himself,
Sometimes he had trouble remembering
Whether or not his chromosomes were XX or XY
Or if there was really any man in him.
He prepared a grand tour of the United States
From New York to Los Angeles
With his magic hair and trusty microphone
For if he could not discover his manhood in this country,
It probably did not exist at all.
Upon the beginning of the Beib’s national tour;
ReplyDeletehe took a long look in the RV’s only body-sized mirror.
Perhaps he was looking at his designer sneakers
and bling but more possibly he was looking for something
deeper and more valuable: His Manhood.
Justin Beiber knew he was embarking on
a journey of a lifetime so forever the
bewilderment of his own sex RIP.
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ReplyDeleteAs he continued to gaze at his own beauty,
ReplyDeletehe was suddenly interrupted by a loud knock on the RV's door.
"They're coming!!" a voice shouted.
He felt the RV begin to shake,
and saw the mirror begin to tremble.
The faint sound of screaming girls grew louder and louder.
Beiber's heart began to beat faster and faster,
and he whispered lyrics froms his own songs to comfort himself.
His hand grasped for the microphone in his pocket and he stood--ready for battle.
Like the beating drums,
ReplyDeletehe could hear their footsteps,
coming closer and closer and closer.
He took his microphone in hand,
opened the door, and watched
as the fan girls grew nearer,
screaming his name at the top of their lungs.
He cringed as their shrill voices
reached his oh so precious ears.
He sighed and prepared for his long arduous speech.
The fans burst into his presence adding fear to pensiveness
ReplyDeleteBieber’s first instinct was to talk them down.
“WHAT HO!” cried he in voice so metro
No reaction did this elicit from these fans.
Bieber continuously tried to speak to them,
But to his words they turned a deaf ear.
So to his last resort he turned.
Dimmed were the lights,
On came the spots,
Out came his mic and he began to sing!
Never was an audience so held by the words sung to them
“You know you love me, I hate that you care
Just shout whenever, and I'll be elsewhere
You are my enemy, you ripped off my, (spoken) Never mind
And we will always, ever, ever be apart
Are we an item? Girl, quit playin'
"We're just friends," dude what are you sayin'?
Said "there's another," and looked right in my eyes
I broke my first love’s head for the first time.
And I was like baby, baby, baby, die
Like baby, baby, baby, fry
Like baby, baby, baby, die
I wished you'd always be dead, dead
Baby, baby, baby, die
Like baby, baby, baby, fry
Like baby, baby, baby, die
I wished you'd always be dead, dead”
The groupies, male and female, were enamored with our hero.
As their eyes were now blinded by our hero’s pure awesomeness,
A side-effect of Bieber Fever.
Bieber then,
A cry was heard from afar.
ReplyDeleteFrom Jealousy came the insult
To crush our young hero's pride.
Twas then that Bieb felt
The need to avenge his manhood-
When the unseen mocker made his remark.
And our hero knew not who he did strike
And thought not of what unforeseen
Consequences may arise.
Only when the fist was lifted
And the bloodied child
Broke into uncontrollable sobs
Did Bieb consort with his spirit.
"Why, O Spirit, must I
Endure such constant mockery
As to strike a child
Of no more than twelve years."
And the spirit replied,
"You have become a mockery among men
O Bieb! Indeed, this is truly
Retribution from the gods! For you see,
The gods created music
For the pleasure of man.
And as you have mocked man's pleasure,
So shall your manhood be mocked!"
-Andrew Reinhardt
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ReplyDeleteAfter the Spirit left Bieb he began to sulk.
ReplyDeleteHe couldn't believe what was happening,
He thought to himself,
"I'm Justin Bieber,
how is anything like this happening to me.
I mean I have the best hair ever.
That's a scientific fact."
As Bieb sulked he heard something,
Some god-awful sound from in the distance,
"I can't be....Paranoid..."
At that moment Bieb's head began to spin,
He didn't want to believe it,
But out of nowhere it emerged.
The terrible JoBroCyrus,
It was even scarier in person.
It was like a three headed dog,
The heads made of two Jonas Brothers,
And worse, Miley Cyrus.
However, Bieber looked at it differently,
It was a chance to get his manhood back,
So with his hair gleaming,
Trusty microphone at his side,
The battle began...
-Dylan Johnson
With a calm voice he hailed them.
ReplyDelete"What, ho! Who dares to insult my manhood?
Back off, or you will regret it!"
A sneering bark of laughter erupted from the monster's throat.
Justin's face flushed red at the sound.
He clenched the microphone tighter,
until his knuckles turned white.
Finally the laughter died down and the monster beagn to speak,
in a voice as cold as ice.
"I have come to make sure you never sing again Justin Bieber!"
ReplyDeleteAs JoBroCyrus spoke,
he began to move closer and closer to Bieber.
Bieber doesn't move on his quest to manhood.
"Ohhh, this is an S.O.S. Ohhh, this is an S.O.S"
JoBroCyrus sings as he sees Bieber shaking,
in his new Nike sneakers.
Bieber closes his eyes,
lifts his microphone up.
Then he,
-Brittany Watson
Screamed at the top of his lungs
ReplyDelete"By the power of LOVE!
I AM BEIBER!!!"
Suddenly Beiber started to transform,
His microphone of encrusted jewels,
became a Blade of golden triumph.
His precious locks of hair began to take form,
into what JoBroCyrus knew to be the rainbow hawk,
Beiber's tiny frame now took a new shape,
he became a 300 lb man of pure badass.
JoBroCyrus proceeded with its piercing screech,
Beiber with his new form let out a howl,
"I am Biebman defender of my manhood!"
He raised his Blade of golden triumph and,
with a gleam in his eye lunged forward.
As he took the first swing JobroCyrus was ready,
It broke away to the right,
Making Beibmans charge a miss,
Before he could make another move,
JoBroCyrus lunged forward with its hulking mass,
catching Beibman off guard.
He was thrown through a nearby shack,
Beibman recovered quickly and became enraged,
he began to go through another transformation,
wings of a harpy emerged from his back,
and his form grew 2x bigger.
Now royally pissed he flew high into the sky,
seeing his target below he began to dive.
Through the clouds faster then light,
he quickly pierced the sound barrier.
with an bellowing roar he announced,
his weapons name before he delivered the blow.
Say hello to my little friend,
Thunderfury Blessed Blade of the Windseeker!!!
the blow was delivered with an astounding force,
the beasts second head of Miley lay lifeless.
The Beast now with only two heads cowered back,
feeling that this was about to be over,
Beibman once again raised his blade for a charge.
And as he went to charge,
he noticed the heads starting to fuse.
The Beast transformed and now had only on head,
and with a screech he incapacitated Beibman,
and it wasnt long before Beibman fainted.
This transformed him back to his puny self,
and left him motionless clutching his microphone.
The Beast slowly came in for the kill singing,
"Its close to midnight,
and something evils lurking from the dark,
under the moonlight,
you see a sight that almost stops your heart,
you try to scream,
but terror takes the sound before you make it,
you start to freeze,
as horror looks you right between the eyes,
YOUR PARALYZED!"
It seemed as though beibers fate was sealed,
the little boy was left there motionless,
with the beast now known as the king of pop,
The pale, the tasteless, Michael Jackson
Beiber's hair is caught in his eyes, so he quickly pulls out his "wonder" comb and his Dapper Dan hair grease. He typically lets his bangs hang, but under the circumstances he needs his vision. He gazes up to see Michael Jackson moonwalking a protective barrier around him from the insane fans who may be lurking in the distance. Jackson says "I will protect you (OOOOOH) for you are definately my type, wink wink!" Beiber at first doesn't quite understand. He thinks Jackson simply likes his music, but then later understands he means more towards the sexual appeal. Jackson goes on to say..."Beibz would you like to play?" Beiber then says "play what she-man?" Jackson replies by saying.."well scrabble of course." They then.....
ReplyDeleteBegin to hear a voice.
ReplyDelete"Yo Bieb, what are you doing? Get your sorry butt up, stop talking about playing scrabble and pretend that you got some balls."
Biebman knew that this spirit was right.
He had to some how throw Jackson off and defeat him.
So with these wise words of encouragement,
Bieber leaped into the air and sreamed, "WHAT HO?!".
This Michael Jackson did not expect.
All of the other children loved to play scrabble with him.
So as Micheal sat confused Bieber then...
Took his trusty microphone and made into an Axe.
ReplyDeleteWith it in his hands, he swung once, twice and even thrice,
So that the head of the great king of pop,
Now rolled down in front of him.
This seemed to reassure beiber that he was on the right path to find his manhood,
For it was not like the king and this made him quite glad...
The Beib then took flight amongst the hills,
ReplyDeletehe soon found his microphone was growing weary,
and alas as he continued his journey through cave and through mountain side,
he came upon a queer kind of animal,
one that called itself...a Kardashian,
The Beib then searched for his dazzling microphone and thrust it towards the beast,
but the microphone had lost its power,
The Beib then took glance towards the sky,
In hopes that his deity, Usher, would look down upon him at that moment and say "you got it bad", and thus grant him the power he needed to defeat this well dressed and obnoxious monster...
As Bieber was waiting for this propitious intervention, he was taken aback by the thundering sound of the Kardashian as she spoke.
ReplyDelete"Do you still seek this elusive manhood of yours?" the monster bellowed.
"Indeed" he answered, "and I feel that I am closer than ever before to finding it".
The Kardashian slowly moved closer saying, "Ha! You reek of infantility, young Bieber, and no manhood can be found while your adolescence flourishes. It eludes you! Today I challenge you to a dual of epic proportions, where we shall test this 'manhood' of yours and see what you are made of. So cling to your futile weapons and trust in your luminous locks, for it will all be in vain. Today, Justin Bieber, you will truly be tested and we shall see if your manhood, if ever it did exist, will be forever lost."
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ReplyDeleteBeiber pushed his lustrous locks behind his hair and grinned hungrily.
ReplyDelete“Come hither, you great beast! You will look upon a man and not find wanting!”
Beiber’s confidence began to grow and he growled in anticipation of the battle to come.
The great winds of the West swirled dangerously fast overhead and Beiber faltered.
The sky seemed to open up, but instead of light, there came an indefinite darkness that swallowed up the earth.
The silence before the storm was terrifying.
Beiber searched amongst his glittering and bedazzled jewels for a competent weapon.
Droplets of perspiration began to form around his brow and he felt his legs go weak.
“Do not fail me now! My manhood will be avenged, and will rise to the occasion! Together, manhood, we shall slay these demons that have insulted, humiliated, and preyed upon us!!”
Beiber made one last attempt to steady himself—yet found that it was not his legs giving way, it was the earth shaking!
The hymn of a thousand angels slowly began to pierce the silence and grow in power. The world trembled beneath the sheer awesomeness of their voices. Beiber sled down to his knees and awaited Usher in reverent worship.
Dressed in black leather pants, white Nike shoes, and sporting aviator sunglasses—his almightiness had descended from the heavenly world to give aid to Beiber. His ripped stomach was almost too beautiful to look at. But Beiber could not turn away—for to do so, would deny oneself the pleasure of seeing God’s masterpiece.
-Mary Vue
"Now listen here, Beibs. You know who I am."
ReplyDeleteThe rich tone of the voice reached Beiber's ear,
and he could barely believe what he saw,
for the body the voice belonged to was that of Beiber's hero,
the wonderful, talented, illustrious icon known as Usher,
the man whom Beiber had been praying to for years.
"This beast must be beaten, and the task now falls on you.
You are now the idol of many young children,
and it is your duty to defend them.
This means it is your job to defeat the Kardashian monster.”
Beiber’s heart dropped and his mouth went dry.
Did Usher really believe in him that much?
It must be true, so he had no other choice than to do what he wishes.
“I will defeat this monstrosity known as Kardashian,
In the name of my deity Usher, the greatest rapper to have even lived.”
With that, Beiber knew what he had to do, and stepped forward into a fight for his life.
As he stared at this masterpiece he realized he could not give up,
ReplyDeletehe started singing "See I never thought that I could walk through fire.
I never thought that I could take the burn.
I never had the strength to take it higher,
Until I reached the point of no return.
And there's just no turning back,
When your hearts under attack,
Gonna give everything I have,
It's my destiny.
I will never say never!
I will fight till forever!
Whenever you knock me down,
I will not stay on the ground.
It was thing bieber realized he too had a secret weapon, his gorgeous golden hair that blinded everyone with its beauty,and so he began to whip it back and forth.
With the golden hair of Beiber whipping too and fro, the Kardashamonster was temporarily blinded.
ReplyDeleteBeiber knew this was the one chance he had to show what kind of a man he was and quickly ran away.
After a few minutes of running a massive image of Usher's 6-pack appeared in the sky.
Somehow Beiber knew this was Usher urging him to return to the fight.
Beiber turned around and ran as quickly as he could back to Kardashian and whipped his blinding hair once more.
With the monster blinded he lunged toward her, not with a sword or a microphone; but his bare hands.
He jumped up right to her face and gave her the hardest slap this world has ever seen.
The blow crippled the Kardashian monster and sent her crying into the woods.
Beiber had no idea that he was capable of such a slap, such a slap would surely prove his manhood.
Or would it....
Beiber stood staring at his hands in awe.
ReplyDeleteHe had no idea that the power to send a Kardashamonster running was in his own two hands.
However, the silence surrounding Beiber did not last for long.
From the sky came a great thunder as clouds parted and the sun shone down brightly on Beiber's perfectly straight hair.
Usher's image appeared once again,
and with a powerful, bellowing voice he proclaimed, " Well done my good and faithful servant. You have been faithful with a few things, now I will put you in charge of many things. Come, let us enjoy this small victory and celebrate together."
Bieber followed Usher's image for a few steps and then only his voice along the side walks, back down a long alley and into a center street where festivities were still up roaring from all angles of the city. He had not been here before but he did not care he was too mesmerized by all the glitter and glam. He saw many microphones, fine clothing, and even sprays to make his hair shine brighter and stand higher when he battle mode. He turned a corner and went down a narrow corridor where he entered a pub with fine wine and lovely women; thanking his very helpful muse for escorting him to such a fine establishment. He had declared his manhood and stood proud as he stared at his new battle…finding a beautiful woman to “defend” from harm’s way. He entered silently but began to become intrigued by what he saw, when then…
ReplyDeletehe encounters Selena Gomez! What a whore! What was she doing here in this dark and eerie alley? She was not dressed as her usual girly self but in a skanky skin tight red leather dress and heels that could be interpreted as a desire for suicide! All of a sudden something clicked underneath all that silky blonde hair, Selena Gomez could help him claim his manhood! What a genius idea! He noticed that she had turned around and noticed the startled look in her face, he began to approach her….
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ReplyDeleteOut of the corner of his eye he saw her,
ReplyDeletethe other girl.
She was dressed similar to Selena,
but seemed to give off a darker glow.
She seemed off balance, but then he saw all the empty beer cans on the stage around her.
As he wondered how the stage magically appeared in the ally, her beautiful melody reached his ears,
A song that he could relate to
"This is real,
This is me,
I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be now,
Gonna let the light,
Shine on me.
Now I've found who I am,
There's no way to hold it in,
No more fighting who I want to be,
This is me," Demi Levatto.
The woman he had been looking for.
He knew it was going to be a hard task,
for he would have to defend this girl
from her self.
He could tell what kind of problem she had,
by looking at the cuts on her wrists
and the fluorescent colors of black she wore.
He walked up to her shaking his head
to show-off his golden hair,
Demi saw him as he walked through the crowded alley
And leaned towards one of her stage-dancers
asking,"Why is he ticking?"
The dancer could only shrug,
for he had no knowledge of the answer.
When Beiber reached the stage,
he looked her striaght in the eyes.
Levatto handed him her microphone,
and he threw it on the ground
trying not to stain his precious fingers,
he had just gotten his manicure.
He then reached into his pocket,
and out came... his trustee microphone!
He brought it close to his lips
then suddenly...
I am going to cry. x.x My post got deleted and it was epically long. ugh.
ReplyDelete"Never say never (never never never)
ReplyDeleteYou see I never thought that I could walk through fire, I never thought that I could take a burn, I never had the strength to take it higher, Until I reached the point of no return
And there's just no turnin back, When your heart's under attack, Gonna give everything I have, It's my destiny
I will never say never (I will fight)
I will fight till forever (make it right)
Whenever you knock me down, I will not stay on the ground, Pick it up, pick it up, Pick it up, pick it up, And never say never..." Justin had sang his heart. He was sure that this song was the best yet and if that did not earn him, his manhood, then nothing would. Demi, tranquilized by the beautiful song, just smiled with wide eyes that followed Justin's every movement. Justin slowly and gracefully walked over to Demi, not wanting to scuff his nice shoes. He sat down and he asked her, "Demi, Have you ever been picked on enough to where you though your manhood was non-existent?" Demi shook her head in a circular motion as if to say yes and no. "I have been picked on and as you can see", she showed him the cuts on her arms that Justin had noticed earlier, "I hurt myself. Though I never questioned my manhood."
She laughed a monstrous laugh. It sounded as if a JoBroCyrus and Kara got together and had an out of wed-lock kid. Justin was horrified but tried to smile so that it encouraged Demi to be happy so he could finally get his manhood.
Though how long it would take to get the Demi to shut-up so he could find out about his manhood he did not know. After an hour of nothing but listen to the nagging of Demi, the Bieb could not take it any more.
He had to devise a plan to shut her the heck up. He looked deep inside himself to find the answer. "What is it Bieb, babe you got this", he kept telling himself. Then it hit him with a lightening bolt. He had to kiss the revolting offspring known as Demi.
Justin didn't know how or when to do it. So while he thought about it secretly the Demi continued to nag about life. Then after another hour of the nagging passed, Bieb figured it out. He looked into her eyes and took a deep breath and held it. Demi revolted him in many ways, her breath especially. He leaned in to her and very quickly pecked her on the cheek. Then wonderous things began to happen. Justin grew muscles and had the start of a six pack. He grew to 6 feet tall and his voice became low and smokey, kind of like a brothas voice. Just as Justin thought his manliness was complete he felt a rip down the center seem in his pants. Justin could not help but blush. He turned to Demi, "Wouldn't happen to have an extra pair of pants would you?" Demi laughed, "Yes I do but do you want to wear them?" Justin thought and then he answered with hesitation, "Yes."
Demi retrieved the extra pair and handed them to Bieb. Bieb took the pants and put them on. Not a minute passed and a guy walks by and harasses Justin about his manhood.
Justin wondered if he would ever stop the harassment.
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ReplyDeleteGuys, you did an awesome job!!!! I love what you ended up with!!! The best part is that this will be available online FOREVER! (Taylor, don't ever try to delete your Blog!)
ReplyDelete